Residues

There is still some residual teariness, but yesterday seems to me (Greek - dokomoi) to be a separate me, one who only emerges at certain times. She pops up every now and then, and takes me by surprise, and my wish is more to silence her than to deal with her.

It scares me even though it's not pressing, because of my lack of control. Everything's so difficult to work out: should i try and control my life or am I too controlling? Should I silence my voices or am I invalidating them? Should I deny myself the indulgence of certain emotions or am I in denial?

And the skeletons in the closet, who come out to haunt me. Issues that should no longer have a hold, clamouring to be heard.

John, more than anything I don't want to lose you. And it scares me because I don't want to control the relationship, and the things that sometimes I think may help, I can see how they're not the way you like to do things. And sometimes, they're not the way I like to do things either.

I like the idea of not structuring the time we spend together, not filling up days so that everything is meticulously planned out, to do things spontaneously, and on a whim. I traveled Europe under that philosophy and had the time of my life. I know that's how you want things to be, and that's how I'd like to be able to participate in this relationship... but with us, I want to know when, where, with whom... At the moment, I need to know, even though I don't want it to be the case. I need to know if we're going to see each other on certain days, and I know that you can't always know and I don't want to pressure you but that's how "this" often starts. I guess maybe it's suppressing the things I think I merely want, but actually there's a need there too.

John, I don't want to need things. I want to be able to be flexible, to be accommodating, to make this relationship about you, and us, and not just about me. I don't know the way forward, and i know we've tried to deal with it...