Just let me be. Be a little unwell

I just want to take a wrist and slash it. Not for the pain or even the blood which was once so therapeutic, but to signal to the world that no, i'm not okay, i'm broken, and it's okay to be broken and destructive now, i don't have to carry the burden of being okay, because it's official, broken, stamped across a file and sent off to the funny farm perhaps except of course at the funny farm you have to take responsibility for your actions and your emotions and the last thing i want right now is good behaviour defined as confronting your emotions and somehow ending up happy.

i'm not a teen anymore and it seems that everyone has moved on. ppl i could once talk to can only offer wise advice and well i've had it with wise advice, i know it all, could recite it bending one arm behind my back and kicking a punching bag

why does everything have to be so rational, sometimes you're just not okay and no amount of rationalising and logical, sensible speech will make it so. no amount of "you shouldn't depend so much..." or "everyone has these moments". do they? do they? i want to scream it across the street, because that wouldn't be normal would it.

and i just want to be held, but even that, it won't go away... i don't want to face night, i don't wnat to face the endless, listless day, i just want it all to go away, to drive somewhere, and watch the sunset across the water at Rhodes, or even further, and drive to forster, or some other beach, and just sit and stare at the moon rippling across the waves.

but failing that, sleep.

my eyes are puffy, my skin is raw, and i've gone through an entire box of tissues. normalise that.